Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I had an epiphany today. You learn something new everyday right? Well, for me, it's like a dozen things a day. It's what I actually remember that matters.
I was typing my Gramma a letter of yet another thing that I had been taken advantage of today when it hit me. I know why I can't say no. I can't focus on me. I don't want to deal with all of my issues, so instead I say why sure, I'd love to host this stupid bullshit at my house. Or, no, I got it. I'll be your friend because you are going through issues. I realized, that while I love some people in my life, I don't spend time with them because I want to. I spend time with them out of guilt. I do this because I feel as though they should have someone in their lives that makes them feel special. I pass the time doing things I don't enjoy to please others and sidetrack my mind.
I've been told by a few important people lately that though I am constantly busy, I am not busy with things that are moving me forward in life. That I need to work on. I keep myself to busy to sidetrack me from the things that I really need to face to move forward. The things that I need in order to keep my sanity and be who I want to be.
When did life get so confusing? I seriously want to be an eighth grader again.
Remember when the world was invincible and that would never happen to you? Seriously, I remember when I had no fear of death.
Now I'm a grown adult wondering who will keep my kids, where I might be buried, who gets this and that, I hate those morbid thoughts. Blah.