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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

8th Grader

I wish I could go back to eighth grade. Oh you laugh? No really. In eighth grade I knew everything. I'm talking everything. I had advice for everyone. I knew just what I was going to do and just what I wasn't going to do to be like my parents. Life was perfect. Then I went to High School.

I had an epiphany today. You learn something new everyday right? Well, for me, it's like a dozen things a day. It's what I actually remember that matters.

I was typing my Gramma a letter of yet another thing that I had been taken advantage of today when it hit me. I know why I can't say no. I can't focus on me. I don't want to deal with all of my issues, so instead I say why sure, I'd love to host this stupid bullshit at my house. Or, no, I got it. I'll be your friend because you are going through issues. I realized, that while I love some people in my life, I don't spend time with them because I want to. I spend time with them out of guilt. I do this because I feel as though they should have someone in their lives that makes them feel special. I pass the time doing things I don't enjoy to please others and sidetrack my mind.

I've been told by a few important people lately that though I am constantly busy, I am not busy with things that are moving me forward in life. That I need to work on. I keep myself to busy to sidetrack me from the things that I really need to face to move forward. The things that I need in order to keep my sanity and be who I want to be.

When did life get so confusing? I seriously want to be an eighth grader again.

Remember when the world was invincible and that would never happen to you? Seriously, I remember when I had no fear of death.

Now I'm a grown adult wondering who will keep my kids, where I might be buried, who gets this and that, I hate those morbid thoughts. Blah.

2 Comments:

Jaime said...

Let the 8th Grader in you come out! Conquer the things you keep putting off and learn to say no. People will understand. You have to take care of you to be any good to anyone else.

Greg said...

I hate the fact that I reached the point in my life that I can actually see myself being old. And dying. Blech. It sucks to think that my daughter will have to go threw the loss of her parents.

I hate the fact that MY mom is not getting any younger.

If you can invent a time machine that works, I would totally go back to 8th grade!!